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An Odd Thing About Claude March 8, 2009

Posted by claudemontgomery in Claude's Story.
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Relax

It is a certainty that in our death experience, each and every one of us will ultimately release our grip on all that this physical world has to offer.  Yet, we invent many ways to pretend to cling tightly to this reality while we are here on earth.  I am not here to convince anyone of anything.  But if you can, loosen your clutch on all that you know with me for a few minutes.

My Secret

I hallucinate.  For the last couple of years, each time I lie down on my bed I begin to hallucinate.  Actually, I don’t even have to be horizontal any more.  It now happens periodically throughout my vertical time each day as well.  These experiences have not only become more intense and more frequent as time passes, but they seem more and more real.  It has been a difficult thing for me to admit to myself that I am hallucinating, mainly because most people associate the word “hallucination” with mental illness.  Yet I am not ill.

When I use the word “hallucination”, I mean that the things that I detect or feel are not detected or felt by others in the room.  These phenomena usually manifest as tactile sensations that I feel on my skin and movements inside the space of my physical body.  This may be as subtle as a cool breeze flowing along the surface of my skin.  Or it may be as dramatic as the feeling of an elaborate sea-like creature emerging in graphic tactile detail from my lower body.  Throughout the day, I usually feel a continuous electrical or magnetic type of current flowing from my abdomen to my head.  This varies in intensity from a faint tingling to the buzz of super high voltage.   I also feel sensations of light pressure around my forehead and the crown of my head.

Sometimes, I feel as if my physical body is slowly filling with cool water as I experience the rolling movement of waves.  Drifting seaweed brushes against my skin with startling precision of detail.  Visually, I occasionally see flickering colored light while my eyes are closed.  I have also seen something resembling dark clouds swirling in the air in a dark room while my eyes are open.  The sounds that I have heard have been limited to a high pitched ringing in my ears.  These are just a few examples of literally thousands of unique manifestations I have witnessed.

Usually these breaks from physical reality have a pleasant quality resembling drug intoxication.  I am a non-drinker and I do not use drugs, so I can’t say exactly which drug would cause this type of experience.  But from what I have read I would guess it would be something psychedelic like LSD, mushrooms or peyote.  Again, I don’t have any experience with these so maybe it isn’t a fair comparison.  Unlike a drug trip, I always remain completely lucid and I can stop the sensations at any time by simply refocusing my mind on something else. 

Partly because of curiosity and partly due to fascination, I have spent a great many hours over the past few years lying silently in awe of this thing that has found me.  Often, I don’t sleep enough because at night the flow can become quite powerful and my desire to observe and experience usually overrides my body’s need for sleep.  I would say that spending this much time in a meditative state has made my non-meditating life a little more challenging.  There has been less time to devote to other things, so it has made life a little more chaotic.  I find myself rushing from place to place more and generally being behind on many things.

Not unlike those we categorize as mentally ill, I believe that more is going on here than trickery of the mind.  Not only are the sensations pleasing but the thoughts that arise during this experience are often clearer and more profound than anything I think during my routine daily thought storms.

Accept

For quite a few months after this began, I was alternately exhilarated and afraid.  The possibility that I was losing my mind was most frightening.  But while I may have lost some desire to be a part of the normal world, I did not lose my capacity to function in it.  I examined the possibility of demonic forces or disincarnate souls toying with me.  Yet throughout these adventures, I have consistently felt that something this beautiful and miraculous must have a spiritual component. 

Adding to my confusion, the manner in which this was unfolding did not fit any spiritual or religious template to which I had ever been exposed.  My only exposure to organized religion had been a few years of fairly deep involvement with a Christian pentacostal church in my mid-twenties.  I had at that time had a few isolated experiences that I considered to be interactions with the Holy Spirit.  Other life circumstances caused me to reexamine my faith and withdraw from organized religion altogether.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, the internet has opened tremendous opportunities for locating forums where people can exchange information about common experiences.  Like so many people these days, I devoted a good amount of time to reviewing medical symptom lists and trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  I occasionally wondered if I was dying.    But, nothing felt wrong with me.  Things felt different, but never wrong.  Since I have never been completely aligned (or misaligned) with western medicine, it didn’t take me long to look elsewhere for answers.

I quickly found a few extremely useful resources on the internet that helped me reach the belief  that I was not losing my sanity nor was I alone with this.  Although this experience began to break all of the rules I had spent my lifetime learning, it has happened to many others and there has been much written about it.  I will talk more about this in the next post.

Living in the Middle

Often, people write about things that they know for the purpose of raising others to their level of awareness.  I have to admit that this is not the case here.  Many times, I have sat down to write about these experiences and each time, I have abandoned the effort.  This was because I felt like telling this story creates more questions than it answers.  While for me it is clear that I am in the midst of something quite spectacular, it sometimes feels like I am a long way from knowing what it means.  And even further from telling someone else what it may mean to them.

I have a lot of ideas and opinions about the meaning and purpose of this journey, some of which I will share in the coming posts.  But those ideas sometimes change from day to day.  I am not certain what I have to offer in terms of communicating about this to others, but I am certain of one thing – I am compelled to write. 

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